The Fall

The Fall

They met - she saw - he might've been real

In moments she stroked his cheek

Wrapped arms around him

Told him thoughts and waited for his

That never came

Alone alone alone she was

In his company

He who scribbled those cards

To her for her 

But he never with her

Wouldn't kiss her

Just a prize, her

Three years time, her

Twenties gone and gone, her

And in them never loved her

And here she's 

Colored in the fall, 

And sad,

But fine

And fine.

What We Love

Jeremiah 5: 30-31

"A horrible and shocking thing has happened in the land: the prophets prophecy lies, the priests rule by their own authority, and my people love it this way. But what will you do in the end?"

I'm still in Jeremaiah and not much further than I was the last time I wrote. I keep rereading it, because as I said last time it reveals much about who God is. He is holy and deeply saddened that his chosen people whom he loved and saved do not choose him. Their hearts and souls cried out to him at one point and now they don't. 

I can remember days as a pre-teen where I would plot out chapters of the Bible to read and which days I would read them. Then I'd tape it to my wall and check off when I read them. However, I was a girl of many passions and the very next day would be working avidly on a deck of cards tower instead, or was it the plot to a book I wanted to write about a girl who was controlled by her Gigapet? Either way, my passions were many. 

I was inefficient. Passionate, but ineffective. And not much has changed except the plot to that book, which now involves various forms of social media (and which I still have not completed). I have loved many things - teaching, writing, story telling, getting to know people, asking questions, hiking, viewing sunsets, reading, crocheting, being super active, being super lazy, visiting family, talking with my sister - and it could be easy to believe that Christ is no real part of any of that. That I built my own world, scraped up from the cards I've been given (see what I did there?). Because in the things I love hide my sins. My most predominant sin? Believing God is not part of what I love. That I have to hide myself from him in order for him to love me. And so, not of God's choice, but of my own, I separated him from the things I love, and it know this is vague, but when things I love turned to shit, it only did so because I was trying to make it good. Only me. 

With God as a convenient umbrella. 

When I needed him. 

Or to make myself look good.

In his novel 1984, George Orwell says that what we hate will destroy us...that some extrinsic force like a corrupt government will be our demise. I agree to an extent, and though we must be wary of others, we must also be wary of ourselves. Alduous Huxley, author of Brave New World, which is also about a corrupt alternate society, says that if something were to destroy us, it would be what we love. We fix ourselves on "soma" pills (that is, anything we divulge in not to face our sin). I agree with him. Destruction comes from our own hearts. 

We blame the world for our problems but rarely look at our own hearts. Examine your heart.

Don't love apart from God. 

Romans 5:8

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 

1 Corinthians 13: 6

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Jealous for You

A very perceptive student planned devotions one day and talked about a movie based on the boy who had a glimpse of heaven, called Heaven is for Real. He talked about how the desire to know God and the truth of scriptures is common. There is mass hype over a story like this because people want to see evidence of God. But then my student said something quite important: if you want to know God, read scripture. 

You may know the outline of the Bible and think that's enough because you can talk about God for an extended period of time or at least enough to [fill in desired outcome here]. But do you want to know God? 

What I learned about God in Jeremiah chapter 2 this morning is how he is zealous for us. 

First God calls uncertain Jeremiah to send a very important message and reassures him. "'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.'" And then God tells Jeremiah to prepare for impending calamity because of how corrupt the kings of the time had become, and he says that Jeremiah will be an iron pillar. "'They will fight you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you.'" 

It is clear God cares about Jeremiah, but then as Jeremiah deliveries the Lord's words to Israel, you see how much he desires them, too. Think of the Israelites as nominalized God-followers now.

"I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me and followed me through a desert...What fault did your fathers find in me that they strayed so far from me? They followed worthless idols and became worthless themselves...You made my inheritance detestable." 

There is this yearning for his people to choose him. And they don't (we don't) because they are easily disillusioned. And since he is just, he tells them of the consequence. "'Be appalled at this...and shudder with great horror.'" "'Consider then and realize how evil and bitter it is for you when you forsake the Lord your God and have no awe of me.'"

At this point, I imagine his arms out, desperation in his voice and on his face, and so, so betrayed. 

What I learned about God this morning is how jealous he is for me, how much he desires me. And am  I giving him very much at all? 

Can't Sleep

Can't sleep. 

This happens from time to time mostly as a result of my mind going absolutely berserk with ideas and checklists of things. 

This morning I took some DayQuil to alleviate this cough so I could teach, but it fogged my brain and made me want to eat cupcakes. Not a pretty sight. Plus there were, like, twenty Greek god and mortal names I had to pronounce while we read Antigone and that wasn't so great. 

I'm much better in writing. 

Also, Tera and I stick to this theory that kids go crazy on the full moon. 

Mine weren't crazy but if they were I wouldn't have known. I think DayQuil flips my system upside down. Never again. I'm just going to bear the cough. 

Dah. Adulthood!

Notes on Winter

My grandpa used to take notes on birds and other nature patterns in Yellowstone through the heavy winters. Though less nature is involved here in my apartment, I decided to take some notes whilst living alone in a fourplex all winter. What follows was not engraved upon my bed post, chiseled in the wall, or even scribed on paper. It was, however, just thought up right now and typed on my iPad. 

Notes on Winter

April 2014

You know how balloons are really dark - almost black - before you blow them up, and then once you do they become the color you ordered? That's what happened to my body. Semi-tanned in summer, a certain size, too. And then I got blown up and my skin grew pale.

Netflix was a good companion. Except for when the screen went blank while loading. That mirror is unforgiving.

At least once a day I considered buying a dog. (If I add "for company" to the end of that sentence, would you judge it?)

February used to be my least favorite month. Now it is tied with March. We covered the lion end of the month. Where's the lamb, March? Where's the lamb?

It's a good thing boots are in style. Cold calves are unbearable. (Not really. But with socks, jeans, and boots, one would think we can't stand a cold calf).

I pretended it wasn't cold one day, and that was gratifying because it was a snow day and I could stay inside. I wore shorts and read a magazine while my toe-nail paint dried.

Because I own as many underwear and pairs of socks, I can wait three weeks to bring items to the laundromat. Not a bad deal, though. Free TV. Deal breaker, though. Staring children.

Luckily I didn't have to find and kill my own meat. I did, however, have to defrost it (a long and tedious wait), which is a difficult thing for a last-minute meal planner, which makes me a wolf, not a beaver.

If without a car scraper, a library card works very well. I broke down and bought a scraper in February, the day before I found my old one of course. 

Candy cane hot chocolate is only festive for so long. I'm a candy freak, so this has never happened, but I threw away half a bag of peppermints in March. 

Both indoor plants are still living so [dusts off shoulder].

It's been a long and cold one, but that's okay. Or at least that's what we have to say when we have a long, cold winter to make ourselves appear content and well-adjusted. What we really mean is "...but I'm done with it now because it should be spring and I'm sick of too-warm calves."

I crocheted a number of items. My favorite are the mittens and cabbage patch wig.

And this is dedicated to Grandpa, the best winter keeper.

A Dreamer

A dreamer.

She desires magically parallel worlds

That keep her asking, "What if?"

What if this dirty old town

Had a better story 

of a great underground?

What if his hand weren't there -

Would a hook define his identity

And he become a villain?

What if puddles, whenever someone wished, 

were as deep as the ocean

And all there was to do was to jump?

What if you could change uninspiring company

By blinking three times, twirling, and singing

While some other took a liking to you?

What if old photo albums

Were living faces of people past

Looking into their future at you?

What if this dreamer imagined dreams into facts 

And lived there, only

Wishing that she could come back?

Sunday Mornings

I love this little space of time after I wake up and before church starts. It's usually two hours of getting breakfast, getting ready, reading, and listening to Fernando Ortega. Sometimes I write. This time is uninhibited by the matters of my upcoming week. As a teacher, not planning/grading on Sundays is very tough, but I save that stress for later in the day. Right now I just want to smile, drink tea, reflect on the Lord's goodness and be content.