Happy to Need

What follows is a discussion of my recent post “Needy” in a series of e-mails that evaluate this universal feeling. My friend is in a similar stage of life and is always a good sounding board. It is with her permission I publish this. Enjoy!

Laurissa!

I just read your recent blog posting, and it is very well-written!  I understand so much what you have written!  

I don't consider you or me to be a needy person, and yet the more I grow older, the more I realize maybe I am, or maybe more appropriately lonely.  It is a good reminder to turn it over to God.  I pray about it daily, but maybe a simple prayer is not enough.

I like how you put "there is a basic fear among us, I think - anticipation of loneliness".  I don't think there could be a more accurate description of my life right now.  Sure I have friends, and yes I have social outings, but it’s always an empty home to come home to.  

I don't even think it’s the longing to date and be married, although I do long for that as well.  That feeling is reinforced by the sister planning a wedding, a roommate planning a wedding, dates every other evening, and I fit in wherever they have time but the conversation MUST revolve around what song to walk down the aisle to, what color is best for bridesmaid dresses, are party favors necessary, etc.

So yes, that is part of it.  But I think the anticipation of loneliness goes further.  I think it is just anxiety to have friends.  To be able to go home at night without thinking there is absolutely no one to call up for dinner because they have a husband, they have children, or they have a family in town.  I'm tired of ranking second or third or fourth.  But I do take matters into my own hands...on Sunday I called up my friend's mom for a walk because I knew she goes by herself most Sundays.  Strange? Maybe yes, but so nice.  

And yet, this time of life is relaxing. It’s free time, and it’s time I will never get back when I have a family or a husband.  But I totally get what you say...what to do with an anxious heart.  It’s one of my biggest struggles.  I thought I would give you my thoughts, because I've been pondering them all day!   

God has a plan, and continual prayer is important.  With that, I'm off to eat dinner and watch Downton Abby.... I have watched two seasons in two weeks (talk about spending too much time by myself!)  

I'm not sure what else is new in my life... I just froze all sorts of zucchini, strawberries, and blueberries for the year ahead.  I hiked a mountain on Tuesday which was awesome. :) 

Take care! Let me know what else is new with you, and how the summer is going :)  

Love, Friend

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Dear Friend,

Dah! I was so nervous about posting that blog because it revealed many of my character flaws and I assumed some people would say, "Just get together with people" - like it's that easy. I already feel like I try really hard at that. But the uneasy feeling never goes away. Annnnd that makes me conclude that it won't unless daily I'm rooted in Christ and ACTUALLY give myself to him. 

I have to admit I'm much better at talking about my relationship with Christ or writing about it than I am walking with him. 

But I need debriefing time, too. And I think a husband - the right one - could really help with that, too, you know? There is something to just having someone there. 

Then again, some people depend only on their relationship and do not let God in and it's fine for a while but eventually they may feel the same discontentment. I’m not waiting for a husband to make me okay.

I agree with you, however: "I'm tired of ranking second or third or fourth" because some of the people in my life are firsts to me in various ways. I adhere so easily to their schedules. And for them to change theirs to fit mine can be difficult for them. I was impressed, actually, by some cousins who came down for a Sunday with three kids, one very small. They went to church with me, then to coffee time, stuck around for a pizza dinner and just hung out with me and it was so much fun. It made me not feel second rate; they made an effort to come into my world. My sister and Josh are the same way. But these people are far away. And sometimes I'm by myself for days on end...mostly because I don't want to feel needy.

I think that's the struggle for you and me, we don't want to appear vulnerable. We want to appear confident and strong. But that can have opposite effects for what we want - togetherness. 

Friend, your e-mail came at the right time. I was thinking, "Great. I just expressed, like, every terrible thing about me and posted it to Facebook of all places," but you helped me see it was needed to do so. 

My summer really is going well. I am spending time with this couple who first of all are SO perceptive. They give a great listening ear, and I don't feel judged but helped. Also, they have a pool and I'm getting tan this summer. Say whaaaat!?

[I explain updates about things, how I long to hike a mountain again and such.]

Yesterday was an interesting day.

I dropped by the post office and saw my old neighbors from when I lived in the apartment all last year. I asked how they were and what their 4th plans were. They both sighed and said, "Nothing. We're both working." and they expressed how tiring it is. So I want to do something for them, but I don't know what. Maybe bake for them again. And yesterday I saw my other neighbor at the same place, and I just texted her to go on a walk today, which I never did before - I don't know why. And then a friend came over and we talked about things, and the weather was so nice. And I realized that people need me to be Christ to them. And I need others to be Christ to me. And that's the only way I see myself functioning in this world. 

What is new with you? You are one friend I wish I saw more often.

Laurissa 

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Laurissa,

You always express yourself so well!  [Of course, I had to leave that opening line in there.]  And I couldn't agree more... people in the world do need us to be Christ to them.  It's easy to think about what I need and what I want, but I forget that everyone else is struggling with something and also just wants to feel loved.  I try to remember that, and do things like take my friend for coffee for her birthday because she doesn't have a lot of friends and it means a lot to be remembered, or have someone for dinner because their husband/wife is out of town, or invite someone out who doesn't normally come.  The next thing I want to do is make a meal for my friend who just had a baby.  She was in labor 19 hours and then had a c-section.... sometimes having kids sounds like a terrible idea.  But I still want them someday!  

[Friend explains updates about things]

That’s about all that’s new!  Oh, and I'm addicted to Downton Abbey. I hope you are doing well!  Enjoy your summer break :)  

Love, [Friend]