Angst

Aaaaaaangst.

Angst is one of my favorite emotions. It usually happens when one is super excited to go somewhere, say, a party, and then wildly considers the possibilities of what could happen.
I think angst was at an all time high for me when I was in 7th grade and it didn't plummet until I was a junior in college.

What follows is a too-vulnerable list of what used to raise my angst levels and what raises them now (think blood pressure levels):

• First days of school
• Every year it was the same thing - lay out my outfit the day before and set my alarm a half hour earlier than what I'd set it for the rest of the year. I'd toss and turn the night before making up hypothetical situations in my head. If [popular boy] asks you out, you say yes and you do not look down or cross your arms! You can do this. You will not trip once, so watch your step. It was much like an army sergeant drilling his men. And I never got a good night's rest. 
• Going over to friends' houses with cute older brothers
• "Hey, you guys want to watch a movie?" Um, yeah! I'd almost scream. His sister (my friend) would say something snarky back and ruin it for me, but if it did happen, then I'd probably sit sweating and remaining very conscious of that sweat.
• School dances
• I used to be a dance move creation master. Hands out, pop butt, and wiggle, or some such stuff. And if I had a group of friends there it was all the better, but more than anything I wanted a boy to ask me to dance. And if one asked me I'd have no problem leaving my loser-for-the-moment friends behind. It happened, very rarely of course, but when it did he was always shorter than me. 
• Sunday school
• I think this is because [arch enemy] was in my Sunday school class, and I didn't really learn much, just how to glare and how to hate her name brand clothes.
• SERVE trips
• Same old stuff: [popular boy] and [current crush] and [arch enemy] in my presence for an entire week. Total wreck. 
• The Playmill
• This is a theatre that I love more than any other place in the world. It is run by a college near West Yellowstone, Montana, and the plays are amazing. I sit at the edge of my seat and clap to all the songs and fix my eyes on the actors who have been there for years and hope they recognize me specially. When I was 9 or so, they called me up there for my birthday and danced with me and one guy with a beard kissed my cheek and sat me down on his lap. I couldn't think of anything else for a week. 
• The moment after the doxology
• You never know who will nudge you and ask how things are, and you have to be ready for anything, even if you don't know their names. 
• Dates
• I love them, but they are formal and scare me sometimes. It's like I forget that I'm just Laurissa and think that I have to transform into an attractive wildebeast so I lose focus.
• Long conversations
• I've had them with Kearsen, Mom, Beth, Tera, Elizabeth, Monique, elderly people, and random just-met-on-the-train strangers. You start with something and move to all the most hilarious things and then to all the saddest things and then to all the most memorable times and you circle those things about three times each, and when you're done you think that's it - that's what's special about living. 
• Book stores
• the moment you realize you would spend your life savings on books and the moment someone asks you if you need help is the moment that's the best and worst all at once. I just want to be alone with all these authors who ask nothing of me but my money and in return I get their thoughts. That's all I want, employee, so go away. 
• The city
• Chicago, Denver, Salt Lake City, Portland, Seattle, St. Louis - my mind could wander as far as my feet go. And sometimes people wonder about you, too, and that's just the thing. You don't have to give much, but much is given. 

I think I have a natural angst. If you look at my main website picture, you'll see it. How can Beth remain so cool in a situation like that? I mean, the guy was convincing, but I was a poor college student, and he was making me feel very bad for not saving the whales. More or less, I remember angst from a young age and it has pushed me to be curious about life. I'm thankful for it but sometimes it gets the best of me.