Single Life

I was driving to work one day, juggling my breakfast in one hand and trying to drive with the other, when I overheard a couple radio DJs discussing the "single life". Here's what they asked: What sort of things did you do as a single person that you wouldn't do as a married person?

I didn't give this question a lot of merit, because I like to believe that everything I do is practical and normal and everyone else does it, too, but then people started calling in to the radio, and now I can't forgive them for opening my eyes to the truth.

DJ: Yes, what's your single story?

Man: I left frozen chicken on the counter to thaw while we were at work. It was at room temperature when supper time came around and so I started to cook it. My wife made me throw it away, but if I were single, I would have eaten it.

DJ: Hey! What's your single story?

Woman: I used to bite my fingernails and spit them on the floor until my husband said he'd make me vacuum every day. I did that all the time in my old apartment. (sick)

DJ: Welcome to the show. Tell me your single story.

Man: Toothpaste in the bathroom sink was no problem before, and actually it was proof that I was even brushing my teeth, but when my girlfriend saw it, I haven't gone back. I clean it out every morning.

This prompt made me wonder: Is singledom simply a state of sanitary ignorance? Well, to prove them a little bit right, here's what might not exist (or might exist) in my world if I were ma...ahem....marr....hummhum.....married. There, I said it.

1. My bookmarks might not be wrappers from Lindor Truffles.

2. That old blankey might not be the centerpiece of my bed.

3. Shoes might not take up half the closet space. I'm assuming I'd have to take care of that. Zip and seal bags? Storage for "winter shoes" and "summer shoes"?

4. My hair on the bathroom counter wouldn't exist, or at least maybe I'd take extra steps to make that way.

5. High school knickknacks may be given away.

6. I might not feel justified in watching a girly movie and eating an entire bag of chips. Plus, Glee (the show that I love to hate) might also disappear from my weekly schedule.

7. I might wake up at my alarm time.

8. White, purple, and teal might not be an acceptable color scheme for adulthood.

9. I might be on time to life. I say "life" because I'm usually late for everything.

10. I might actually sit down for a meal rather than eat an apple at 9, a muffin at 11, lunch at noon (sometimes), and at least three cups of coffee somewhere in-between those moments; after 12:00 I might not mooch candy or Chewey bars from students, teachers' lounge treats, or a large glass of water when the last two things are out of reach. At 4 I won't eat cookie bars from Cherie's stash and drink a large glass of orange juice, eat supper with the Rozendals, eat dessert with the Rozendals, or eat Lindor Truffles for midnight snack. Maybe this will change. I guess it will have to since Cherie won't be there to feed me. UNLESS I spend ma....hahemmm....marr.....humhummm....married life forever living in their upstairs!

Ok, so maybe singledom has a certain reputation for good reason. But how can you help it? When you are the only one to please, you pretty much know how you want it and you won't complain if you find old wrappers in books or hair in the sink.

But. You know. Life comes with changes. Ahem. [uncomfortable moment for author]

Resolving Stuff

This year I'd like to change things up a bit. Last year I started the new year by working late in my classroom and going to bed at 11:30 because I couldn't stay up any longer. This year I spent it with friends. Thus, it's time for changes all around.

I'd like the following:

1) to be gracious to others and to myself

2) to be honest

3) to redeem that daily, conversing, consistent walk with Christ

4) to listen more

5) to be sarcastic less (or to be sarcastic in appropriate places, like girls' night or any time I'm watching trash reality TV, not board/staff meetings or with straightforward situations)

6) to finish the projects I begin

7) to talk with family and make efforts to see them

8) to maybe exercise or something (This one's a dumb one. I like playing volleyball when the occasions for it arise. I like running in nice weather. I like sitting on the couch and reading a magazine in dreary weather, so....)

9) to throw shy, or excuses that I'm shy, out the window

10) to be frugal

Since most of them require "more" of something these goals can't really be met. Thus, I guess the only main goal is letting that wonderful God-given conscience I know is in there somewhere have a voice. I'm going to grow up a little bit this year.

Happy New Year to you. May it be a very merry one, and may your resolutions help you resolve something.

Year in Review in Facebook

Hey thanks Facebook for helping me do this blog. I scrolled for a long time to find all the main events. Anyway, if you're interested, here's my year in review...in Facebook.

A year ago today, I was writing my first exams and they turned out horrendous. Sorry, students :/

I was also planning on going home for Christmas, and Mom and Dad had just moved to Hospers. Elizabeth and Laura and I were bent on seeing Black Swan at any cost. We watched it, of course, and afterward sat open-mouthed at how insane and crazy and pretty great the film was. Laura also suggested another movie, one with vampires. It was a Swedish film, and this young boy becomes this young girl vampire's apprentice and they have a total Edward/Bella, supernatural/mortal relationship. We also sat open-mouthed at that.

I discovered that even though Mom and Dad had moved many times since I'd been away at college and New Mexico and South Dakota, that nothing changes that much. There are still mismatched plates and silverware in the kitchen, and the fridge is still either stocked to the brim/not stocked at all, and the hand towel on the oven never gets changed. Oh, and there is still the same pile of old crocheted blankets laying in a basket beside Dad's recliner. And Mom will still rub your back. (I'm expecting things to still be the exact same this Christmas).

December 21

Connie: Have a safe trip back....excited to see you!

December 23

Me: I'm in Hospers, IA. Yeah. I know. It's the new home for Mom and Dad. Visited Oldenkamps (held Lilly). Finally taking a break from Risk. I'll take over the world tomorrow with a clearer mind. Ready now for Kearsen to have the baby!

Kearsen was very pregnant. Like grasping her ribs pregnant. Like panting from climbing the front steps pregnant. Her nursery was all put together and cute, and now Brinley gnaws on that same crib. "It looks great!" I told her. They were still living in their first house. I'm going to miss having an entire floor to myself. It was also around this time when Elizabeth sent me a link to a blog by a woman who was suffering from post-partum depression and so she dried out her placenta, mixed it with herbs, and encapsuled them. Nasty. Gross. Gross. Gross. I never even want to let something like a placenta cross my path. Kearsen, I learned too much.

December 27

Me: ...is teething

It turns out, after literally tens of years of watching friends get their wisdom teeth plucked, my very immature set did have a couple! Saweet! And they didn't even require surgery. The dentist just spooned them out.

January 1

Me: Praising God for Brinley Joy. (6lbs 3oz, Dec 31, 2010)

And she was born 2 days after I left, but when Josh called to tell the news I cried. Yep. And now she's just perfect.

January 3

Brand new day. God is good

January 6

One chocolate caramel mocha and I'm sweeping through three lesson plans: bam, bam, bam. My foot is tapping the entire time. Two hours later, two lesson plans to go, and I've crashed and burned. I'll be here all night, folks.

January 7

Tera Pfortmiller: Laurissa Boman + Wendy's Frosty's + a straw = one crazy drive back to D-town!

This is where I really got to know Tera. Refer back to "Frostys"

January 22

Beth Van Dam, Dunkin' Donuts with you anytime; beer and wings next time.

This year Beth moved away, and I was so sad to see her go. She's been an excellent friend through the years. This day I brought a humongous stack of papers to Chicago, and Beth helped me grade them. Rough times suck, but she's good at making them better.

January 27

This night of work will never end

The next morning I was in our staff meeting, and our principal Clarence says, "So. Rough night?" "No," I said, then changed my mind while I looked around, "Who told you?" He pointed to Andrew, the history teacher. "You wrote it on Facebook," said Andrew. "It's public news."

January 31

Leah DeJager: Hey Laurissa! Are we meeting at Heidi's tonight or Tera's? Yesterday is kind of a blur, all the sugar and whatnot.

That's Leah. She's my really cool friend. And she reads books and is really funny, even though she has kids. (Kidding, all you who have kids...I only sort of meant that.) She also says things like "You look like Emma Stone" and "You should be on SNL with Tina Fey" so naturally we're friends. This particular note is regarding girls' night, which involves about 7 women who talk about and watch trash reality television. Can you believe it, Beth? There are more people like us in the world. I also go to mooch food off of Andrew and Heidi and to listen to our newest addition Kim talk. She has kids and she is hilarious.

January 31

Snowstorm in Montana: eat some toast, out the door by 8:00, unplug the car

Snowstorm in Indiana: Y2k

Yeah, Indiana got this massive blizzard last year and I stayed at Tera's. We watched Wicked, and I ate all the food in her pantry that would never have been in my home growing up (ie. goldfish). We also shoveled a lady's driveway, though a guy was going to come anyway. So much for being a good Samaritan.

February 13

‎5 days until I see Brinley (and Kearsen and Josh and all my other family), but Brinley!!!!!

Yeah, she was only 5 weeks old and couldn't do a thing, and her diapers were nasty, but then she smiled.

February 17

James Lewandowski: Dr. J. Boman, Phd, MBA, BS, AS...Purdue University.

James made a guest appearance in my English 9 classroom as a "sub" for the day. I'd been asked many times about whether I was dating someone or not, so we thought we'd stage a very ambiguous encounter in front of the kids. He gave them a journal assignment, I came in, they were on to him, he'd written all sorts of stuff on the whiteboard, and we awkwardly semi-hugged just before he left. The rest of the class period was chaos. Thanks, Dr. Boman. (We even gave him the last name Boman; students concluded that he was my brother).

February 23

Students, thanks to you, God is force-feeding me wisdom. Good thing my gag reflexes aren't terrible.

This was one of those times that teaching wasn't fun and I wanted to talk about it on Facebook.

March 10

I consider 28 freshmen papers, 56 test essays, 27 presentations, about 70 composition papers and 34 blogs, 15 make-up papers, and normal run-of-the mill assignments a huge feat to grade. All within 6 days' work. But I hear this all the time: "Don't assign so much." I can't not. Double-negative words intended.

Whew.

March 11

I showed a trial scene from A Time to Kill today to correlate with Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird. The moment the screen flashed to Matthew McCaunaghay, delighted girls squealed...yes, squealed...for about 3 minutes. "I love him more than Justin Bieber!" one of them yelled.

March 17

Florida...

It's about dang time.

Jim and Cherie let me hang out with their beautiful family in sunny Florida over Spring Break. Beth was there, too, which made it doubly fun. I texted Ryan the whole time and thoroughly explained how awesome everything was. He also explained that one night the moon appeared to be 14% larger than normal. And Beth said, "Laurissa, you better date him." :) But yes, Florida made me very discontent in real life.

April 7

‎2 months, 1 week: Mumford & Sons. It was not your fault, but mine that I will not have seen you live until then

Oh yeah, this whole year and then some, I've been addicted to Mumford and Sons and have successfully tried to get all my friends and family to like them, too. Most of them do now.

April 11

I got asked to prom today

April 22

‎9 million 986 thousand minutes...*tear

Michael's last episode on The Office. I officially switched to Parks & Rec after that.

April 28

My geek fascination with graphic novels is now officially impacting students. Three GNs are checked out from my book shelf right now, and two of the students fore-went 10 minutes of homework time to embrace their inner geek

May 23

"Seeya, Missus Boman!"

"I already said goodbye to you...and it's 'Miss'." [shakes head]

One year down and I'm already the crabby teacher with beads around her glasses.

Wow, I wrote about school a lot.

May 28

I like this day

May 31

Goodbye, chicken nuggets.

June 6

Concert tonight with Beth Van Dam and Jake Reardanz. Got my city dress on.

See all you Iowa and South Dakota people soon! Later D-town.

Thus began my summer-long vacation. It. Was. Awesome.

June 27

I want Peachwave, badly.

I visited fam, and Brinley was much more exciting at 6 months. And her diapers were a little more bearable. Also, I had good times with Elizabeth and Laura. Can't explain everything...because this blog is getting long, and I don't know why you're still reading...but this time in life had me skipping. Also, what the heck is b0ba? I mean, where does it come from? Kearsen and I had a deep philosophical conversation about it. And how can the Peachwave people fill it with fruity goodness?

July 7

That's it. I'm going to turn back time so they can make a second season of My So Called Life. Whatever.

Annnd, I spent 2 days straight watching "My So-Called Life" on YouTube. What? I had a little extra time. I get caught up in TV sometimes. Stop looking at me like that!

July 12

Won't you meet me in Montana?
I want to see the mountains in your eyes.
I've had all this life I can handle.
Meet me underneath that big Montana sky

July 15

Five people brushing their teeth in the bathroom. One on the toilet. One in the shower. Everybody's talking at once. This is the epitome of Southview.

Went out west for Dani's wedding (So. Much. Fun.) and traveled on to Montana.

July 20

Hotel in Yellowstone: $170
Tent at Bridge Bay campground: $11
I don't think Grandma's getting any older since she took me white water rafting. Folks, my grandma's taking me tenting.

July 23

Jessie Bos: Hey Loser! Thanks for taggin me in all those pics. Your pics definitely turned out better than mine and you are a way better photographer! I loved hiking with you yesterday and I am so excited for you to come up next week to visit! I loved it that we talked so much on the way up but we had such comfortable "tired" silence on the way down. Just wonderful good fellowship :) Thanks also for returning... my "leggings". I stopped by your grandma's and she thought they were in the wash! Haha! Anyway I got them back. I also loved my birthday cards from the last two years and I wish you a very very happy birthday today! I love how long we have been friends and know that we will continue to be. Whew! I should have just made this a message sorry. :) Love ya dear!

Me: It was a lovely day, everybody. Thanks! (special shout out to Tammy Droge and Tina Miller for feeding me with food and fun galore)

August 5

Marc Chickenvillage: So you're back in your hometown, right? We're in Los Angeles now. Don't forget to give us a call when you coming overseas! cheers

That's from the German friend Grandma and I made in Yellowstone. He said, "Genevieve, do you have a facebook?" "Yes," she said, "but I don't use the dumb thing."

August 15

Some days when the sun shines too brightly through my large eastern facing window, I want to "punch the sun in the throat," but others, like today, when it wakes me up at just the right time, I want to give it a high five. Way to go, sun. You're beautiful today

September 5

Laurissa Boman is in a relationship with Ryan Wynkoop.

:)

September 21

Hmmmm, recounting the events of the day--yes, a freshman boy DID do the splits at the end of class, then rolled back, curled into a ball and screamed. It happened. [shaking head]

October 2

Is coffee meant to be chugged? Because that's what just happened. It is going to be a beautiful day, everyone.

October 29

I bought thick red tights today, wore them, and had crazy flashbacks.

I would never do this if it weren't for Halloween. I don't think. It was fun this year. We went to Andrew and Heidi's again, because they have the best crib of any of us, and so we carved pumpkins.

November 19

The presentation went well. I mean, I didn't trip or faint or anything, so good news!

I presented at NCTE with Leah Zuidema, whom I adore.

November 21

Who goes to a Broadway play alone? Um.

November 23

Destination: Sioux Falls.

Went to South Dakota for Thanksgiving. Brinley can "talk" on the phone at this point.

December 15

"We can win if we work really hard, get no sleep, and shirk all of our responsibilities until then." ~Leslie Knope

Seriously, I love Parks & Rec

December 19 (today)

Exam week. I told the students this exam will most likely end them, so they have to study really really hard. (It obviously won't be that bad, but shhhhhhhh).

Muahahahahaha.

And that's my year in review in Facebook. You're welcome. Now take a coffee break, because this was a long blog. It took forever to copy/paste, too. Sheesh.

Oh, and Merry Christmas!

Awkward Comes in Sets of 3

It started when I moved in with Kearsen and Josh one summer. It continued to Jim and Cherie a couple years later. And then it found Tera and James.

I'm talking about my shameless ability to be the third wheel.

This is Tera and James.

And me.

I'm dressed up as Waldo here.

This picture was taken on Halloween because we decided to dress up, the three of us.

I didn't realize that they were taking a couple picture over there.

I'm sure everybody has these moments, but for me they never stop. Here's a little story to help you understand the 3rd dimension, in case you're socially perfect and have never been in a situation like that.

This is me, Laurissa, (the very tall king in a Snuggie)

and sometimes I go to parties

and dress up as food.

My friends are really nice.

Most of them are 2/3 my size

and have a shorter fall, but

they can be awkward, too.

Sometimes everybody else gets it but me.

And that's what I've discovered about threes.

I Eat Food

It's startling how much inspiration there is for me to write this blog. Because I love food. Dearly. And in the dog world, I'd be the chunkier one who eats what the little dogs leave in their bowls. In the grade school kids at school world, I'm the one who wants Swiss rolls every day.

I can't even begin to recount where this affair with food began, so I'm going to just begin with the present moment and then flash back if you will. It's 8:55 pm right now and I just began sipping on a chocolate chip milkshake from Dairy Queen. Thanksgiving was three days ago and I followed suit with the rest of America and ate a bunch and went back for seconds (and thirds--is that too much to confess?). I had to travel 10 hours each way to and from South Dakota, so it required a hefty amount of sit time, which I'm good at, and it required that for lunch I'd stop at McDonalds and buy chicken nuggets (but that's a story to come). Anyway, it was just last weekend that I was in Chicago for a conference and so I ate out every meal there, too. The rooms don't have refrigerators.

Nevertheless, after 8ish days of a fast food and turkey marathon, I'm curled up on my couch drinking (eating?) this dreadfully amazing cherry-on-top milkshake and I've got a volleyball game in less than 24 hours.

This particular milkshake was introduced by a friend from high school who was also a Dairy Queen worker. She ordered it for me once, and I've never thought more highly of another ice cream variation since. It was love at first sight.

So tonight the adorable DQ girl (how is she not 300 lbs?) handed me the milkshake through the window. Immediately I scooped the cherry out with my straw and went in for a lickful of whipped cream. When I turned to roll up my window, she was still watching me. It must have looked like something to the equivalent of a hoarder in a thriftshop.

If this be an all out confessional, I'd like to say this about the realm of fast food: My name is Laurissa and I am also a McDonald's chicken nugget addict.

Chicken nuggets were always the food I wouldn't take a second look at. Why go for childish nuggets (with nothing on them!) when you could have a double McGrande cheeseburger? Besides, all the moms were tearing up tiny bitier sizes for their kids. Even as a kid, if I had to eat nuggets I expected a stinking good toy.

But then I met Tera. Tera likes Disney Channel and the Jonas Brothers (though she's talked about them significantly less since I've met her and since she's dated James [nice work James]). Tera also likes chicken nuggets. So when we went to McDonalds, she'd always get them. One day I averted my affections from my burger and said, "Can I have one?" (Big mistake.) "Sure," said Tera. And then I ate a bite and savored it. Then I ate another one. Then it escalated into a twice a week occurrence. I knew it was getting bad when I told the history teacher down the hall, "I love chicken nuggets." He replied, "That's a healthy snack" obviously in a sarcastic way, and I really sincerely thought, "Yeah! It is."

I spent the month of June nugget fasting.

That was a dark time.

But it's been getting there again. Another friend just introduced me to spicy mustard and it. is. delicious. dangit. guhhhhh.

Of course, neither the milkshake nor the nuggets can compare to the number one savory piece of food in history--bacon. It's come to a point where I can just look at a pig and say, "mmmmm" unconsciously because I know there's bacon in there somewhere.

Where did this come from? This love (and devotion and emotion) for food, but namely bacon? The only way I know to explain it is that Grandpa was a pig farmer and ate a lot of pig and so did his ten kids from Iowa. A lot of bacon and a lot of corn on the cob, but certainly bacon. Bacon is what rolls down the fronts of our shirts at Nieuwsma reunions. It's what my sister wrapped the Thanksgiving turkey in. It's what you can wrap most things in. It's what you go camping with. It's what makes a burger better. It's something Lady Gaga would consider an accessory. It's. so. good.

I saw chocolate covered bacon at a store the other day, and I don't think I'm above trying it. Just once. But then that's what I said about nuggets.

How can something seem so wrong and so right at the same time? How is eating food a lot like participating in life?

Like this DQ milkshake. I left it alone for three minutes and already it's turning on me, melting and stuff. Lesson learned. Don't neglect stuff and whatever. Thanks, food.

National Council of Teachers of English

I think there are too many prepositional phrases in that short title to be part of an English teachers' conference.
But that's forgiveable, because I saw Penny Kittle today. She is the author of Write beside Them, the single most important book besides The Bible and Elna Baker's memoir that I've ever read. It's my professional keepsake, and I flip through it daily. Once I stalked her on Facebook to see if she was existent and real and actually within the grasp of communication. And she was. I messaged her and said something to the effect of, "Are you...THE Penny Kittle? If so, I admire what you do, and I read your book often. Are you going to NCTE?" This was two years ago. She responded back, "So glad you enjoyed it! I'll be in Orlando."
And I'm pretty sure I was starstruck with that moment. To see her in real life would have topped the cake.
This morning I saw her from across the room. She was a few rows up, and all I could think was to say, "Hey, I've read your book. Loved it!" But I was too intimidated by her presence and she seemed to be headed out to another session, so I just cowered and admired her presence.
I think she's my profesisonal crush.
Yep.

Oh, 1 hour and 10 minutes until I present! Whoa. So maybe I wouldn't mind if my life path resembled hers.

Tragic Flaw

Today I told my students to go home, think about what their tragic flaw is, and then come back tomorrow ready to journal about it. We're reading "The Odyssey.
Here's what I'm reading to the students tomorrow:

Tragic flaw: a characteristic that can lead to our demise/downfall.
It can be argued that Odysseus’s tragic flaw is distraction. He sees something shiny (or beautiful, like Calypso) or something that helps him forget the difficulty of the journey (like the lotus) and pursues them. I think we’re all a little like that. We set out to do a chore, then find a bouncy ball on the way, or we diverge along another path altogether. While grading a stack of tests or raking a football sized yard, I would jump at the chance to bump a volleyball or go exploring somewhere.

My tragic flaw is similar to Odysseus’s flaw. Simply put, my mind moves more quickly than words can come out of my mouth or than my fingers can write, and so I jumped ahead or aside of the conversation.
You ask, “Have you seen Mary?”
I saw her earlier that morning and then again in the afternoon, between classes, by the kitchen, in the lobby, and just outside the office and am wondering which you’d like me to answer. Meanwhile, I’m thinking about de Jager’s strut as he walks past and how he nods like an Italian mobster and says, “How you doin’” and I’m thinking about how Justin Bieber is ruining the minds of our youth and how he should find another word than “baby” to use in his lyrics, and I’m thinking about how funny it is that we’re a Christian school and have pews lining the hallways and how once my friend Beth came to visit and said, “Wow, you guys have pews as benches,” but alas I say, “Yyyyyes.”
You say, “Um, ok.”
All this happens in a matter of seconds.

This tragic flaw gets me in trouble when I meet new people because I have to pay attention to what they say their name is while I’m intermittently interested in their background, if they have a polygamist Mormon great great-grandfather like I do, or if they’re a little more normal than that, and I’m interested in the five other conversations around us. I just can’t help it.
My flaw makes me seem arrogant, uncaring, flighty, and scattered, but all I desire is more time to think and to know people by the way they act, and I desire to know who they are based on their background. And like Ramona Quimby, I’ve always been a person whose curiosity gets in the way and who is often misunderstood. Mostly, I desire for the stutters and “ums” and “oks” that burst out of my mouth to reflect the fluency of the thoughts inside my head.

So, what's your tragic flaw?